it’s a new year

The first day of the new year got me thinking like what’s the point being happy and hopeful when its clear that tougher days (filled with uncertainty) are ahead to witness and experience.

2016 was a bad year for me and my family (nobody died,which am grateful for) but it wasnt pleasant anyways….but hey!….am thankful! my family made it through despite the health challenges we faced and still facing….yea….still facing..

cancer is a deadly disease….if you think it affects just one person?….naa,it affects every one related to the patient…you get to see your loved one suffer in pain and agony and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it,or is it how confusing it is seeing different symptom arise each day and not knowing what to do to relieve your loved one. How about spending so much on the treatment and its not working,trying other forms of treatment and nothing!

i watch my mother’s health deteriorate everyday and there is nothing i can do to make her feel comfortable no matter how little.I hear her talk about dieing everyday and it breaks my heart to know that she is tired of fighting,and every one hushing her not to talk about death because ‘there is nothing God cannot do’…agreed,but who wont be tired anyways…..with no strength left in her, who wont?

This makes me wonder sometimes if God is there watching,listening,or just observing? or worst has he just ignored or neglected our whole situation. The annoying thing is i hear of other people healed of cancer,tumour miraculously disappeared,e.t.c and i wonder.. maybe we (my family) is different,maybe we havent prayed enough,or we aint worthy? or worse….our sins are so dirty that God will not smile on us with a miracle….i am tired of praying,each time i open my mouth, i dont know what to sk God for anymore,each time i open my mouth, tears come out,because i dont know what to ask for again…. I am tired of people telling me it will be well when its clearly not….i don’t want to loose my mother,that’s all i know, I just dont want to..